For the last couple of months, I haven’t really been myself. I’ve been secluded from my friends, I’ve only concentrated on work and when I do date someone I concentrate on them, and forget about myself. And I think that’s where I’ve gone wrong. I’ve heard the story over and over, but not once did I imagine that it would be me telling it…until now.
I just ended a relationship, which I was hoping would go great and it did for a while…until I was being ignored emotionally and physically. I decided to close myself before I got hurt, yet I didn’t end the relationship. Usually I don’t let anyone into my heart, the only two boys I’ve let myself love, were Logan and Roger. Though those relationships were years ago and I’ve moved on from them, I still cherish their friendships and consider them family. But I never thought that opening myself up so much would hurt in a way only time can heal. For the first time in my life I can say that I have been abused in a relationship. The moment his fist touched me, the feelings I had for him were fading rapidly. I felt humiliated and like someone cut off my balls. Did I hit him back? No i didn’t, because I don’t believe in hitting another human being. I am in Boxing but that’s a sport, were allowing each other to hit ourselves and train our bodies. But when it comes to fighting over talking I prefer to talk. I’m not a violent person. I’m usually a very happy person and have lots of friends. I have only told a few people about this incident because its embarrassing but today I felt like if I don’t express what I’m feeling and just let it out, I’m going to feel like I’m carrying a huge burden on my shoulders and I don’t need that. My busted lip healed I still have a small bruise on my side, and the pain in my chest has subsided, but the pain that comes with the one hit, from the boy you trust. I doubt that will ever go away, how can I trust a boy again, I don’t know what his intentions are. How do I know he’s not a violent person? I know how to profile people pretty well. I know what kind of person you are in the first five minutes of a conversation. But in this time people are becoming very good liars. Most of you who know me, know that I am a HUGE Christina Aguilera Fan and I live for her Music, and now I have one more thing I can relate myself to her too. Christina was physically abused as a child by her father and till now she still talks about it in her music, which I have so much to thank her for, and I probably wont ever get that chance to speak to her in person. But if I had one wish, it would be to sit down with her and just talk or write music together expressing the pain that both she and I and any person who has ever been physically abused has experienced. Right now I’m in a place in my life where my career is skyrocketing and my love life is sinking deeper and deeper and I’m someone ok by that because I’m only 20yrs old. I’ve got so much to live for, so many experiences and goals to be reached. But one this is for sure, never again will I let a boy put his hands on me again. My feelings for this boy died the moment he touched me, I got questioned last night by friends of mine, asking me what I was doing? They thought that I was still attached to this boy and I’m I told them I have a reason for my actions. I don’t do something without having a reason behind it. All I’m going to say is that I’m ok. I’m not going back to him, and karma will take its toll from here….
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB7pQpNx-F4
ReplyDeleteLove, Josh